If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
