My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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