If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
