singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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