Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
