i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
