I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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