the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
