My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
