and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
