It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
