I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He? As in you personified your dick?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
