He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
