I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i would punch a child for taco bell
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
