when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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