I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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