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Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
