I wish I could teleport
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
