Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
