the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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