I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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