I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
