Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
