I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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