My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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