I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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