loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
