I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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