and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
