Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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