I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
