i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
