OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
