Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
