New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
