i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
