happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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