plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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