Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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