Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.