Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
