People in love make me want to vomit
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
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