someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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