1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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