I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He passed out mid-signature
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
