People in love make me want to vomit
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
