Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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