She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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