absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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