I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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