when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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