does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
