i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
