Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
