It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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