i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
