I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
