The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
