Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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