six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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