he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
