i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
